The truth is, you can’t really "do" IFS (Internal Family Systems). Yet, your Inner Therapist insists on trying - sometimes far too much.

If you’ve explored your inner world through Inner Child work or IFS, especially on your own, this might sound familiar: as soon as you begin the inner work, there’s a part that steps in to "do the work." This Inner Therapist wants to get everything "right" - asking the right questions, saying the perfect phrases, adopting the ideal posture, and perceiving the parts clearly. Sometimes, this Inner Therapist is so ingrained in your personality structure that IFS always feels like it’s being conducted through its lens. Tragically, it struggles to replicate the qualities of the Self but falls short. It believes it is the Self, but it’s merely imitating it as best as it can.

However, this part isn’t the Self, and therefore, it cannot effectively facilitate IFS. Other parts may not trust it, which creates a block. These self-like parts try to mimic the Self but fail to establish genuine communication with other parts. This can manifest as feelings like, "I never see or hear my parts," or "They never respond to me."

For those who experience this, standard interventions such as "Which part is preventing you from doing IFS?" or "Can you ask the Inner Therapist to step aside?" often don’t help - especially during solo IFS sessions. Why? Because the Inner Therapist is so deeply embedded in the "seat of consciousness" that it’s unclear who could even pose these questions internally. Is the Inner Therapist supposed to talk to itself? Attempting to "unblend" from this part can feel nearly impossible because the very techniques meant to create separation rely on the part that’s already over-involved. It’s a paradoxical loop - a frustrating cycle that can leave you feeling utterly stuck.

While we’re focusing here on the Inner Therapist as a prime example of a self-like part that hinders the IFS process, it’s worth noting that similar dynamics can arise with clusters of parts or other types of internal entanglements. For instance, you might have a part obsessed with understanding everything intellectually, a part overly focused on theory, or one that views all inner processes with suspicion or embarrassment. Much of what follows applies to these scenarios as well. For now, though, we’ll stick with the Inner Therapist as our main example, as it illustrates the strategies I want to share.

Understanding Can Sometimes Be Part of the Problem

Another part often enters the scene when you try to resolve this dilemma: the "figure-it-out" part. Even if you’ve identified the Inner Therapist, another part may jump in, determined to understand why the Inner Therapist won’t let go or what’s going wrong. You start analyzing, questioning, investigating - and before you know it, you’re back in the same old pattern. One part seeks mental control, striving for clarity or results - this time by trying to "figure out" the Inner Therapist.

This effort can feel exhausting and fruitless, leaving you trapped in yet another paradoxical loop.

"Just Let Go" Isn’t Always Possible.

A common piece of advice in mindfulness practices is to "just let things go". While this is well-intentioned and indeed can sometimes work, letting-go isn’t always straightforward - it can feel abstract and elusive. Worse, for some, it leads to a kind of emptiness where nothing happens. The process fades into a void, and IFS stalls. In such cases, the act of "letting go" might itself be taken over by a part that simply wants to quiet everything down without genuinely engaging with the Inner Therapist or other parts. The Self remains obscured.

So What Can You Do?

If the above resonates with you, I would recommend to stop trying IFS on your own and consider working with someone who can guide you and lend you their Self-energy. A supportive presence can make a significant difference. For instance, in this podcast here a woman experiencing difficulties with "doing IFS right" works through those difficulties with the help of an IFS therapist. It's a very touching full IFS session that opens further perspectives beyond what is dealt with in this article.

However, if you want or must continue with solo IFS, maybe due to financial limitations, here are some approaches to break free from the loop:

1. Radical Honesty: Embrace the Dead End

Sometimes, the bravest step is to fully accept that you’re stuck. If every attempt to break the pattern is itself part of the pattern, it might be time to truly fail. Acknowledge that you can’t "fix" this with your current tools. The Inner Therapist is too clever to be outsmarted - it will co-opt every effort to let go or take control. Accepting this total impasse can open new doors. It’s like letting go, but more concrete: surrendering the struggle rather than abstractly "releasing" it.

2.  "Blend Harder" (Lean Into the Inner Therapist)

Instead of trying to unblend from the Inner Therapist, do the opposite: embody it fully. Let it take center stage and exaggerate its efforts. Allow it to overdo everything - ask endless questions, push for control, and try absurdly hard to "get it right." By amplifying its actions, you might gain deeper insight into its nature and motivations. This playful exaggeration can reveal truths about the part without needing to "understand" it intellectually.

3. Use Cognitive Empathy

Rather than directly interacting with parts, try imagining them as if they were people outside of you. For example, think about your Inner Therapist: what must it be like to constantly strive so hard to "do IFS" and yet never succeed? Imagine this part as a person - how exhausting and frustrating would that be for someone? How might it feel to live under that kind of pressure, always trying to get things right but never quite managing to? This exercise isn’t about solving the problem but about fostering compassion and emotional understanding. By seeing the part in terms of a typical (!) human being, you may naturally begin to empathize with them, which can soften your heart and create new openings for connection.

4. Invite an External Force or Your "Future Self"

If accessing your own Self-energy feels impossible, imagine an external source of support. This could be the calming presence of nature, a wise figure from your life, the Dalai Lama, Oprah or even your Future Self - 15 years older, healed, and looking back at you with kindness and reassurance. This might be the right kind of external "force" for you. One that does make you feel safe and hopeful. And if you want to work with your "Future Self", there are plenty of guided meditations for that on Insight Timer or YouTube.

5. Put the Part Into Someone You Like

Through imagination, place the Inner Therapist (or whatever part you want to get to know better) into someone you admire or care about. This mental exercise creates distance but also empathy and sympathy, allowing you to see the part more clearly and perhaps have a less hard time accepting the part. It is easier for us to be forgiving towards others than ourselves.

6. Shift to Formless Awareness Behind All Experience

This approach is likely the most subtle and may not suit everyone, but it can be particularly helpful for those with some meditation experience. It’s less like a typical IFS session and more akin to a meditative practice. The idea is to experience everything that arises - thoughts, emotions, sensations - simply as experiences. For example, instead of thinking, "I’m trying to fix this," you simply experience: "this is experiencing the trying". Instead of identifying with frustration, you observe, "this frustration is experience." Even the Inner Therapist itself can be experienced as experience. Everything can. And everything is (experience). Everything you perceive - every thought, feeling, or sensation - is something being experienced. And what experiences all of this? That which is aware of the experiences cannot itself be experienced! This "awareness behind the awareness" is where Self-energy has its source.

It’s important to note that this isn’t about dismissing or invalidating your experiences. They are still real and meaningful. But by shifting into this perspective, you might find a new spaciousness opening up - one in which parts feel seen and held, rather than judged or controlled.

7. Focus on Likeable Parts of Positive Qualities of Parts

Rather than addressing problems, spend time with parts that are easy to appreciate. Or appretiate the strengths and positive attributes of all of your parts. Celebrate their achievements and capabilities. Respect the parts for what they are capable of. This might be one of the strongest methods to overcome blockages in IFS or other parts work modalities.

 

Summary

These strategies aren’t traditional IFS techniques, but they’re tailored for situations where standard methods fall short. They aim to disrupt the loops and open space for something new to emerge. But more than techniques you will need patience, trust and the confidence to stand by the way you experience things - instead of trying to experience what you've read in books or heard from other people who tried IFS.